It’s Valentine’s Day. People are kissing in public way more often than normal. Co-workers are gushing about the surprise dates their spouses are taking them on. Facebook is laden with people professing their undying love for their new girlfriend, their husband of 20 years, or their favorite dog. (I keep wondering if these people think that they are off the Valentin’es Day hook just because of a post that took them 35 seconds to write.)
You are probably thinking something like “I would rather clean all the bathrooms in grand central station with my tongue than be single on Valentine’s Day.”
But wait! Let’s be optimists and think of all the reasons it totally ROCKS to be single on Valentines Day.
Reason #1- We don’t have to celebrate what is a very, very confused holiday.
Think about this for a moment. This is the day that people buy each other stuff, write each other more stuff, and make out a lot. Is this really the way we should celebrate a priest who was poor, illiterate, and celibate? (Ok, he probably wasn’t illiterate, but his whole life is vague so why not throw that in there?)
Why do we celebrate this man, anyway? In ancient Roman times there was a celebration called Luercalea, which was a fertility festival. They did things like a matchmaking lottery which was basically speed dating only with togas. So Christians decided to celebrate a saint named Valentine on the same day to distract people from the debauchery.
Valentine was a priest. There was an emperor named Claudias who prohibited the marriage of young people because he thought that men would make better soldiers when they were single.
So Saint Valentine married couples in secret. He was caught and sentenced to prison.
Some of the married couples that were indebted to him would come to him in jail and pass him Hershey’s Chocolates, FTD Flowers, and Hallmark Cards through the bars. (What do you mean you think I’ve been accepting bribes from large corporations? What would make you think that?!)
While he was in prison, he met the daughter of one of his jail guards who was blind. He healed her. The guard became a Christian because he was so amazed by the healing. Valentine fell in love with the girl, and passed a note on to her before he died that said “from your valentine.”
So here’s what we’ve got
Debaucherous fertility parties+speed dating+good looking bachelor soldiers who are unlucky in love+ St. Valentine whispering “mawwiage is what bwwwings us tog ever today” behind a bush+ chocolate contraband+ surprising twist where the celibate priest in jail falls in love with a blind lady+flying half naked babies shooting arrows at you
= SUPER WEIRD HOLIDAY!
The real hero in this story? Emperor Claudius. He knew how awesome single people were.
Reason # 2- We save gobs of money
A non-single person on Valentine’s day buys
-1 billion cards
-35 million chocolates
-180 million flowers
-4 billion dollars in jewelry
= $133 (on average) per person.
A single person buys
- 2 bags of Potato Chips
- 1″Singles Awareness Day” pin
Reason #3- We don’t have to buy someone stuff just because we are expected to by some huge crazy Valentine’s Day Money Making Machine and our significant others.
Let’s look at the statistics…
87% of men only by things on Valentine’s day because they feel pressure to do so.
92% of women would be angry at their partner if they didn’t do anything for them on Valentine’s Day
68% of Valentine’s Day gifts are bought in the check out aisle of grocery stores.
12% of Valentine’s Day gifts are actually just marked down Christmas gifts and
42% of statistics are made up by people writing articles who have no idea what they are talking about. (Which is true in this case.)
Reason # 4- We don’t have to wear high heels.
Reason #5- Couples aren’t the only ones with a patron saint.
That’s right, folks. There is a patron saint of singles. His name was St. Benand. He was an obscure but kind monk from the 14th century. St. Benand had a hard time being a monk, and he felt that his mission was to create something that would comfort singles throughout the world.
After working on recipes for 25 years, he finally came up with a miracle that has soothed lonely singles every Valentine’s day since then. He called it Ice Creameth of the Cookie Dougheth. The monks passed his secret recipe down for generations, until some hippies in Pennsylvania discovered it, found out his last name was Jerry, mass marketed it, and called it St. Benand Jerry. (They had to take the saint off for trademark reasons.)
St. Benand! We are so grateful to you!
Reason #6- Singles have a holiday after the holiday.
It’s called “Eat as freaking much chocolate as you want because it’s 75% off- day.”
And it is glorious.
Ok. These are lame. It doesn’t rock to be single on Valentine’s Day. It sucks. But at least we tried.